I Am Affected. And I Am Mad.

I have followed the Michael Brown/Darren Wilson story from Day 1. Before it was national news. Before the protests, the riots, the statements, the testimonies… I wrote this last night in a 5 minute frenzy of trying to collect my thoughts.
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I have a 10 year old little brother, in middle school. Yes, a 10 year old, in middle school (because he’s a smarty pants and skipped a grade). All he cares about is who is his friend today and why they might not be his friend tomorrow. And singing, and dancing, and performing. He called me this week, excited that he gets to sing the national anthem for his school’s basketball game. And the dream just expanded instantly. “Wouldn’t it be cool if I get to sing the national anthem at a NY Giants game one day?” (Giants are my favorite team, and consequently, his favorite team for the time being.)

And then last night, I thought about how someday his life could be taken just because someone else felt threatened by his mere presence. I actually thought the words “I hope he doesn’t grow up to look scary.” The thought that his life could be taken over something meaningless, and by someone who has no knowledge of his talents, hopes and dreams, really just shattered me.

And, frankly, I’m getting tired of writing these posts. I’m getting tired of being worked up over indictments and convictions that will never come. Tired of learning of another young Black Man–especially ones who are college-bound, with no criminal background–that has been shot and killed. Murdered, if we’re gonna be correct about it.

Tired of people saying that we “fake care” and want “fake justice” and that we will be talking about other things in the morning. Yeah, I will talk about other things in the morning. But I will never ever forget the history that is being made. I will never forget the action that I contributed to. I will never forget Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, and countless others.

I always said that I didn’t think I would have the courage to do what so many did during the original Civil Rights Era. But now, I’m over it. I’m fed up, and I’m ready and willing. This is our Civil Rights fight now. Generation Y, the Millennials, whatever you care to call us. We’re paying attention. And, we are not letting the injustice fly.

Finding a New Normal..

My boyfriend and I broke up. We’re on good terms and everything. But, I’ve been thinking about how it’s gonna take some time for things to get back to normal. And then, I realized– I don’t know what normal is, lol. Normal for me was him making my day with a text message, checking in throughout the day to see how he’s doing, going out and doing things with him.

That was normal. Now, I have to figure out how to find a new normal.

Not saying my life revolved around the man, because it definitely didn’t. But when you’re so used to speaking to someone, seeing someone, being around them, consulting them, etc..that becomes your normal.

Everything is kinda out of whack right now. And it will be, until I find my new normal.

I think that’s the hard part of breakups. You have to figure out what you did with your life before you shared it with that person.

College…for why?

(Yes, for *why.* When it makes so little sense, you can’t apply proper grammar. For. Why?)

 

Maybe my experience is just so totally different from everyone else’s. But it’s the only experience I truly know.

I’ve always been told, “Go to college and you’ll be able to get a job that you like, or at least get a job in the area of study you spent those four years on.”

But. Here I am. An entire year and some change later… and, nope. No job in my field. And up until the beginning of this year, I was working in the same student position I had been in since my freshman year of college.

What makes it worse, is that I have friends who either didn’t finish, or didn’t go to college at all, and have better jobs than me, make more money, etc. lol. How’s that for irony?

Now, don’t get me wrong– I have a cool job, and I like it. But, I know it’s not what I went to school for. It’s not my passion. And, that’s not something I have control over.

I always tend to get frustrated when people suggest going to grad school as a solution. Umm, if school didn’t work for me the first time…WHY would I want to do the exact same thing again? C’mon. I don’t like school. I don’t want to be a professional student. I want to do something. I want to create. I need a break, a chance. But that feels like it’s not gonna happen.

I think I’m supposed to be a writer..or something. Who really knows at this point. But, I guess this is a start.

I dunno.. I feel like I got got. Went to college, put in my four years. Did more than enough internships to become “a more viable candidate…” but yet..nada!

Oop.. do I sound bitter? Hmmm, maybe..

I’m running out of ideas here.

The Butler & such…

I think The Butler was a great movie—the kind that should be made and shown to every generation. But, I think what made it such a great movie was the fact that it followed one man’s life and his interconnection to the Civil Rights movement. I loved the parallelism of his life vs. his son’s life and how they finally began to start understanding each other. The movie was very well done—totally on the long side, but every scene was relevant and further told the story.

The thing I loved most is that it did not solely focus on the black struggle during the slavery and civil rights era. Those are the movies that I tend to get annoyed with. I actually told myself that I wouldn’t be seeing any more of those movies that only focus on how bad WE were treated by THEM. I don’t have the time to live in the past like that, and get mad over something that not only cannot be changed, but will hinder me from living my life in the now.

I don’t like giving away details since everyone may not have seen it yet, but what makes The Butler movie so different from the others is that you were able to witness the black struggle while also witnessing black prosperity, in a way. This movie teaches work ethic, standing for what you believe in, etc. It doesn’t simply show Blacks getting beat up on (although some of that was in the movie as well), but that was not the focus. The focus was one man. His life. His family. And how that all managed to intertwine with the Civil Rights Movement.

Frankly, I can’t understand why everyone is feeling the need to put out movies solely focusing on the slave and civil rights era. 12 Years a Slave is definitely on my radar, and I just don’t think it’s a movie that I will be seeing. I know the history. I know it was bad. Why must we continue to focus on how bad it WAS. If anything, we should focus on how bad it still IS. Work to change that, to improve the current situation.

Knowing that race relations are much better than they previously were, but still nowhere near ideal, why continue to make movies that highlight how bad things used to be? Why get all riled up over something that happened decades ago? I just feel that these movies that constantly show the mistreatment of black people by white people are overdone. It’s time to move past the past and start on the present and the future.

Agree or disagree, that’s just my two cents.

Kamil McFadden Interview

I recently did an interview for The CW 69 with Grown Ups 2 actor, Kamil McFadden. Check it out!